The Beaten Horse

U.N. Assistance

Stephanie — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 12:51:08 +0000

Steph: I’ve been eating everything that gets within 5 feet of my mouth this week.

Aharon: I know. After this baby is out of you, I’m cutting you off. It will be like Ethiopia in our house. The U.N. will have to make food drops.

Steph:

Ode to my Neti Pot

Stephanie — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 13:33:50 +0000

I place thee at my nose’s door,
Tilt mine head, and start to pour.
In one nostril, out the other -
Cleansing this expectant mother
Of pervasive airborne allergens
And discomfort that their presence lends.

From deep within mine closet, hidden,
Past western remedies now forbidden
I’ll take thee out and hail thy powers -
And use thee every 3-4 hours;
Thy waters causeth me to shudder;
But for results like this, I’ll have anudder.

Red Tide Development

Stephanie — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:01:28 +0000

Phil: There’s an issue on the Widget Sales* site.
Steph: There are lots of issues on the Widget Sales site. We’re still working on it.
Phil: Just letting you know…
Steph: That’s like pointing out that a fish is dead at red tide.

*This is not a real site.

Scorched Bed Policy

Stephanie — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:38:47 +0000

This morning, as Aharon got out of bed and headed to the kitchen for coffee:
Aharon: *ppphhhbbbbbbbrrt*
Steph: Did you just fart under the covers?!
Aharon: That was to make sure you get out of bed.
Steph: Nice. Scorched bed policy. Smells like General Sherman himself blazed a a path through our bedroom.

Sealing the Sales Pipeline

Stephanie — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 14:53:35 +0000

This week I was assigned a product launch somewhere in the middle of the project, which left me with significant catching up to do. The project involves partnering with other companies in my industry, so naturally, concern #1 is protecting our interest. When determining how much to spend on a marketing effort, one of the factors is ensuring that marketing dollars will be used effectively. Ideally, this is what happens when the stars align and your campaign efforts are fruitful:

If you hand off part of the sales process to another company though, and you fail to identify all the ways in which you could lose the sale, you wind up with this scenario:

Luckily for me, I found late Friday that all holes were already identified and sealed. Eureka! Relief for the weekend is mine! But at least I can re-purpose my educational doodles and share them with you.

Little Fridge of Horrors

Stephanie — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:26:11 +0000

[Aharon]:	What was all the racket down there?
[Steph]:	I cleaned out the fridge. Something I think used to be broccoli almost bit me.

Wet T-shirt Contest

Stephanie — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 20:21:20 +0000

Technically, there’s no wetness involved – unless you count all the sweat clinging to your person after you consume a fresh, hot, spicy Taco Bus burrito.

Apparently, there’s a contest for a T-shirt design for our local Taco Bus here in Seminole Heights. Mi amigo Shawn has the lowdown on his blog, MySeminoleHeights.com. So I felt that I had to attempt something. Something. Here’s a tiny version of my first attempt, subject to modification:

Potential verbiage:

Seminole Heights: Where all Roads Lead to the Taco Bus
The Taco Bus: our flavor neighbor
The Taco Bus: freakin’ awesome for a hangover

I am well aware that these really suck, but that’s the creative process; and I’m leaving myself exposed here by posting this concept in its current state. Really. I feel naked. So please post ideas for improvement or redesign (unless you’re participating directly), and I’ll make sure you’re on the guest list when I win the party and T-shirts for 30 at the Taco Bus.

P.S. Yes, I know this makes the second post in a row that depicts a sombrero and uses the Spanish randomly. This is just a coincidence.

COLD weather, HOT cocoa

Stephanie — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 22:35:50 +0000

Stay warm this weekend, and try a cup of hot cocoa that will punch you in the throat. My grandfather showed me how to make hot cocoa as a kid, and the stuff out of a packet is downright gross after you’ve had the real stuff. This is my favorite “Mexican” variety. Makes a single cup in under 5 minutes. DO IT!

Ingredientes:

2 cups almond milk (or the stuff from a cow)
1 1/2 to 2 tsp sugar
2 rounded tsp of your favorite dry cocoa
dash of salt
smidgeon of cinnamon
dusting of cayenne pepper
drop of vanilla

Directiones:
In a pourable, Pyrex measuring cup, microwave your almond milk for three minutes. (Less if it’s real milk, and watch it – the proteins make that stuff boil over into a sticky mess for you to clean up.)

While that’s heating, mix dry ingredients together in a cup or mug. Pour just a little of the hot milk into your dry stuff – enough to make a dark syrup. Blend that together until you’re lump-free.

With your left hand, pour the rest of the milk into the cup. Your right hand should be stirring. Add the vanilla, then taste the hot wonderfulness that is my grandfather’s cocoa.

Puggernaut for J. Bodine

Stephanie — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 15:47:09 +0000

I would like a drawing for my limerick:
There once was a sad little pug, with eyes like those on a bug.
It yapped at Shawn, and pooped on my lawn,
While drinking cheap wine from a jug.
- Jethro Bodine

Dear Jethro,

I rarely give people exactly what they ask for. So here’s a lobster boiling in a pot, since that’s how I feel with all the pressure you put me under for your little limerick.

Okay, fine. Here you go.

Pregnant ladies like their meat FRESH

Stephanie — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 19:28:55 +0000

One of the many rules I’m supposed to follow whilst serving as a life pod for the offspring is “do not consume undercooked meat.” I can live without sushi, but at a quality steak joint, that just sucks. I assume Aharon was tired of hearing about it when he apprised the table of this piece of pregnant dining history:

A hundred years ago, pregnant women chased down cows in the field and ate straight from their guts. Just order the steak the way you like it.

Since that’s about the time the Titanic sailed, they probably chowed down on that hot flesh daintily.