I arose early this morning to make my instant decaf mocha, only to find that for the second time this month, my hot cup of yumminess contained an unwelcome smattering of sugar ants. The last time this happened, I spent 30 minutes attempting to identify the source: certainly not the almond milk, and they would be visible in the sugar. I checked the cocoa, the instant coffee, and even the pinch of cinnamon i added. Nothing.

This time, after another 30 minutes of searching, I finally determined the little buggers had infested my cocoa. Still can’t see them in the tin, but with a little warm water and milk, they came clean and floated to the top. UGH.

I completed a fourth cup, sans cocoa, added the cinnamon, and headed upstairs.  Either I still saw what I think to be ants, or I’m completely ant paranoid from this experience. Either way, I wasn’t going to let them win. I just drank them. I’m guessing my digestive system looks something like this now:

Oh yes – I’ve got my own tot brewing in there too, ready to take revenge on hoards of sugar ants in his future.  So THERE, ants!

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For all of you out there who have delayed your Christmas shopping until this last, frenzied week, I’d like to share an idea my friend Ryan and I stumbled upon accidentally during a conversation about how we would spend our holidays:

[Ryan:] I could work on building my self-sustaining compound.  Get in touch with my Amish roots.

[Me:] You’re Amish?!  Too cool.  Can you give me pointers on my butter churning skills?  I have room for improvement there…

[Ryan:] I have no Amish skills.  I did buy my brother a beear making kit once though.

[Me:] Bear or beer?  A bear making kit includes two bears, one of each gender.  That’s a serious gift kit, with a lot of responsibility.

[Ryan:] Beer. Typo.

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Young [censored], frail and faint, Suffered obvious mental constraint. Still slack-jawed and dense, He lacks basic sense; And one wonders – does he still eat lead paint?

There lived a [censored] [censored], Whose breath tainted air by the liters. His audible heaving Left neighbors believing He’d strapped rotten meat to space heaters.

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…we are beginning to hear stories of your new friend, the ‘possum.
- Dan

Dear Dan,
With the economy in the pooper, we no longer enjoy our friend in the same way that we used to.
-Stephanie

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Earth to Steph! It’s now been a month since your last masterpiece and all of your fans are getting pretty anxious. Okay, here’s an idea: McCain and Obama wrestling in Jell-O wearing nothing but speedos. You can even throw Hillary in for good measure.

Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Since there has been such a delay in my response, I’m afraid a presidential speedo Jell-O match would be a bit – well – stale.  Instead, I have chosen to depict the reported aftermath of that fateful match.

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